the endless

Its learning to live with the bodies, 

Teach yourself how to speak 

To those who don’t want to listen. 

I miss all the signs and take the wrong path instead 

Spending the day talking to myself 

About things that have no answer. 

Do you follow fate, 

Or your own polluted preconceptions? 

Cut the fetters and turn away, 

Leave the shadow animals to dance for the weak. 

Ending are just darker beginnings that twist back on themselves 

Devouring what you were 

With the remains of what was left. 

Like Tetsuo embrace what you become, 

Let it consume you until nothing remains, 

Let it beat you down until you drop to your knees, 

Let it drive you into the ground until seppuku is the only logical choice. 

Open yourself to oblivion 

Because you wont find an end 

When you living in the endless. 

Cannibal

 At the end of forever,

Peering through the window,

Peaking again and again,

 it makes no difference,

 outside with the other beggars.

 

Another day on the belly,

Crawl through the glass,

‘make this time the last’

Are the words you cling to. 

 

Let the club lie where it fell,

Leave the horse alone,

Let it lie in peace;

Walk away knowing it was always a dead end,

No northwest passage,

Just another wide river leading to nowhere.

 

I pick every wound until it bleeds;

I gouge out my eyes,

But i still manage to find your footprints to take tea with.

 

I flew on your wings because i never learned to fly on my own.

 

I had forgotten how lonely life was,

Once you move past the sadness

Your left with the silence that never seems to leave;

It spreads out and deafens the world,

Easily mistaken as lost in thought

But the mind is vacant.

 

You keep waiting for your time to come

But that hour has already been spent

On gumdrops and ballons,

You were lost in the mirror confusing your reflection

For the real world.

 

Maybe if it could be cut into smaller bits

It would be more digestible,

I should have dropped breadcrumbs

But maybe i did, and they were eaten by the crows.

 

I’d take the candy house if offered,

But in the end what are you going to learn from cannibals

That you don’t already know.

 

 

 

“What a piece of work is a man!

How noble in reason!

How infinite in faculty!

In form and moving how express and admirable!

In action how like an angel!

In apprehension how like a god!

The beauty of the world!

The paragon of animals!

And yet, to me,

What is this quintessence of dust?

Man delights, not me.”

~Hamlet

i miss you

i miss you,

I remember the first Christmas; you followed me into the forest, snow filling your fashionista city boots. Never satisfied, all I could see was its glaring imperfections, not you, it was perfect in your eyes, even before I turned its bad side toward the wall. Next day I had Ms. Stewart teach me to light the tree backwards while you dropped on ornaments like a citizen of Whoville. On that rented ladder I hung string after string of dollar store lights, you brought me coffee and begged me to come down after I startled you from tapping on the second story window; long before they became a bone of contention, then the ongoing joke. You became Mother Christmas and bought presents for everyone and all I had to do was focus on you. I spent all night putting stickers on pony land and snapping together a thousand Legos into a vehicle worthy of General Grievous; you wrapped and wrapped twirling beautiful ribbons and pretty bows until we had a small mountain of gifts. Quietly ushed under the tree, well after watching Jimmy Stewart sing to his buffalo girl and the Twas the Night was read. You never caught me while I built a vanity for you. Sleep caught us and we found a couple of hours before Santa came and we were woken anew. You spent the day next to my mother cooking pies, pudding, cookies, squash, potatoes, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, the roast you coked; none had fractured away, everyone alive and vibrant guest rooms and pullout couches filled. Even when I dropped the roast while it made its trip to the serving tray was laughed off with a quick dose of water. We filled our bellies with food and out head with conservation, until none were left awake.  

 

That’s the last time I remember snow, so many now are filled with mud instead; the ground is white with snow now, but I think they said it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

Belly Crawl

Let the sling and arrows of outrageous fortune continue 

I will not sleep; 

I will not be subjected to another dream. 

I will break Yorick back 

Remove the child’s heart, 

Let the skull fall, 

Let it find its place in the dusty ground. 

I watch my breath ice over where we once sat, 

The bed has lost its warmth. 

No more slow dancing in the kitchen, 

The players have all gone silent, 

Their instruments finally lost their tune. 

Don’t let the amber take you, 

Don’t be another bug caught in its golden clutches. 

Escape the paper bag prison, 

Climb its walls until you find the crack, 

Leave what’s left with Tootles marbles, 

It’s the square that’s off, 

The round peg learns to fit. 

With too many edges 

You cut those around you, 

A scissor hands 

Straight from the fractured screen. 

Dull the knives 

Blunt the tongue, 

Leave tiny Tim to walk alone. 

Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

Red Dragon

Finally beat the drums loud enough,

You had to learn,

You walk without rhythm,

It won’t attract the wyrm. 

 

It’s the Chinese finger game in reverse,

A trap that wasn’t designed for you,

It has my name all over it.

 

Each word turns its blade back on me,

They come out soft but turn hard when they hang in the air

Or am I just hammer forever looking for a nail

Pursuing that endless chase

Looking for more outcomes than blunt force can produce.

 

I could see she wanted me to talk to her,

Where would that end that I hadn’t already been,

Just another brick waiting for the wall.

 

Enjoy the phantasy,

Let the trumpets fanfare your entrance,

Because the King wears no clothes.

 

Empty steps down a road to nowhere

Where they nod their heads but don’t hear your words.

Your words lack meaning

Unless someone wants to hear what you have to say,

You can’t add water to the cup that’s already full.

 

To many midday baths makes a man weak,

Need to fling off the weakness,

Back life into the corner,

Let it howl and regurgitate itself

Again and again until you find the end,

Then chop off the head,

Stop the phoenix,

Let it be consumed in its own fire.

 

Leave the weak to be reborn again,

Let them draw a new face on the old body,

Leave them to walk about like sock puppets,

Step forward and embrace the rain,

Look with face forward into the howling wind,

Know with each step you both move away and toward,

Shun the ‘undiscovered country’,

Future has no form

It is everything and nothing.

 

Is it fear that stops me;

Your pretty smiles aren’t for me,

They’re for a shade of what once was with a dash of never wanted.

 

I look through you,

I focus on the path on the other side,

I flip back open the compass,

I let it guide me once more,

I follow true North,

No more distractions.

Wise Choice

I wish my thoughts were pretty and wore a little dress,

They would dance around for everyone,  

I would never be depressed.

 

Do you still buy more stuff to fill the hole inside.

Nothing seems to fill it

People places and things leave it empty,

Is there an answer.

 

Not where you’re looking

There is nothing in the dark

The ground never gives up its dead.

 

Where do you look when no one likes what they see,

The crowd never welcomed the Frankenstein monster.

Turn to the new day,

But hold a little back,

No one wants the full picture.

 

Then what’s the point,

I’d rather be hated for what I am

Than loved for what I am not.

Then that’s what you’ll become;

We all create our own destinies,

Even if it’s to paint ourselves into a corner.

 

That’s the choice then,

Cut out pieces of your soul because no one whats the whole package;

When do you stop cutting once you begin,

What do you have left once you’re finished.

 

It can’t be worse than what you already have,

No one drinks from an empty cup.

It can always be worse;

I’ve found fate is easily tempted

When she comes to take her share

Your left with the sticks and stones.

Then find a way to use them,

Make the disadvantage your advantage.

 

I can find no advantage in this endless turmoil,

It’s a round hole and I have are square pegs.

You don’t have to be the jagged pill,

You’ve chosen that path,

Each step you’ve chosen beforehand.

 

At each step,

My choice was removed from me,

What choice exists between

Self-destruction and annihilation,

There is nothing left when its over.

 

It doesn’t matter how you’ve gotten here,

Now you need to find your way out.

What do you think all of this is,

I don’t think there is a way out.

You found a way in if you can’t find a door

Make one.

Your no help…  

Swing Again

Beginning are always completed, 

Sticky, 

Drawn-out, 

They meander slowly through the mind 

Getting hung up on every bump 

Caught even in the smallest pothole. 

 

They never stay where you want them, 

They bounce around like a cake fed 6 year old at a birthday party, 

Rarely do they go where intended 

Either burning out to quickly 

Or never getting started. 

 

Ending are not, 

They are sudden, 

Come at you head on, 

Rarely cloaked in darkness 

They stand out for the world to see. 

 

No mixed messaging 

Just the impact and its jolt, 

No loss for words, 

No should have 

Could have, 

Its to late for all that. 

 

I met a junkie looser the other day, 

4 kids and happy to get high with them once their old enough,

Do you even hear yourself speaking, 

Can you look yourself in the mirror; 

Are you just creating more pimples on the asshole of society.

 

She talked and her mouth was filled with excuses 

Not solutions, 

Reasons why not, 

Void of reasons why can. 

 

Better a working looser 

At least you have a chance to make something of yourself. 

She also stole my fucking pen… 

 

Sometimes you can spend years waiting for the rain to come 

In the end it never does, 

No spring morning waiting, 

Water drops fat hanging off the new growth, 

Till the hard barren ground, 

Each strike with the hoe breaks up the earth, 

Swing and swing again, 

Swing until your arms grow tired 

Then swing again, 

Let the arms blister and break 

Swing again, 

Swing and swing until you fall, 

Feeding the ground. 

 

Defeat only comes for the defeated. 

Quiet

I only make the same mistake once; 

It won’t happen again. 

I’ll put a cork in it, 

Not a shred will escape, 

A lock with no key, 

A box with no lid. 

 

I’ll sew my lips shut; 

I’ll break my fingers instead,

Cut out the tongue,

Box my ears and gouge out my eyes,

Make myself Blind, Deaf, and Dumb.

 

I’ll shroud myself in darkness, 

Be the mystery wrapped in the enigma 

Let nothing slip through. 

 

I’ll bleed out 

It into this quiet,

Wrenched honest hole, 

Frank in its dealings, 

Never have to worry about second thoughts, 

A place that accepts it all. 

 

Hang out all the dirty clothes, 

Let the line bend low under the weight 

Until it starts brushing against the fresh cut grass. 

 

Thick and wet 

Let them drip dry, 

It needs no attention 

Just hangum and forgetem. 

 

Wash your hands like Pilate 

Then turn and walk away, 

Let the crowd have him. 

 

Like water in a sealed environment, 

It just changes form, 

Every drop is accounted for 

Regardless of conditions. 

 

Something in my personality 

I always’ need to crash 

To learn not too, 

Must touch the stove 

To learn it’s hot. 

 

Take comfort, 

Our paths will not cross, 

I’ll never darken your door. 

I’ll not have to eat crow each afternoon, 

Only during my 2:00am daydreams. 

 

I’ll give up watching the flies crawl across the window. 

I’ll trust in Franklin, 

I’ll shut my mouth and quit proving myself the idiot. 

 

Run Rabbit

I wanted to burn the boats 

Trap us in the new world, 

The boats never burned, 

I watched you sail away from me. 

I’m the low dose medication 

With too much on an empty stomach 

It will leave you drowsy and nauseous. 

I see two options; 

Either I think along the same lines as everyone else 

I am just more honest about it, 

Which would mean I’m surrounded by people who lie to my face, 

Or I don’t, 

Neither is comforting. 

Do you also look at the world from an angle, 

Not head on, 

Where others are happy 

Never questioning more than the time of day or the makings of their next meal. 

I wish I was like other men 

Fell for someone with my hips or lips 

Not my mind, 

It looks so much easier when you use a shorter yard stick.

  

Dance in line 

Play the part, 

I thought you were wearing a mask too, 

I pulled mine off and scared you away. 

Back to the drawing board 

Reassess the what, why, and how 

Find the answers that aren’t for you, 

Look at the sun and don’t go blind.

At times I swear I could see it in the corner of your eyes as well 

That I wasn’t alone, 

That you felt it too, 

There was something there; 

These rose-colored glasses have left my vision wanting. 

I wish it had been you, 

I am jealous at life for taking you to another destination.

I have years of it bottled up 

Sitting on the shelf waiting for someone to uncork it for.

I would have spun the world backwards 

Had the ground give up its dead, 

But too much birthday cake makes anyone sick. 

This fire and passion burns straight into my core, 

I choke it down once again 

It wasn’t meant for you. 

You might need it in pieces, 

Cut up and wrapped 

All neat in a butcher’s bag; 

That’s not me, 

I’m the supernova, 

The star that won’t die but it becomes the black hole 

Where the timid stop at the event horizon. 

Fall in, 

Pass through, 

Find me waiting to catch you on the other side. 

Had you told me your dreams, 

I would have plucked them from the vapor, 

Forced them into existence, 

Have them parade before you, 

Bowing at your feet.

I burned the last words you wrote to me, 

Keep the delusion alive for a moment longer, 

Take one final breath before the clouds part and the image moves on. 

What’s gone cannot be recaptured. 

When I looked into your eyes, 

I could almost touch the future; 

Pale blue eyes swirling into long talks 

Learning each other’s secrets, 

With each step laying the bricks that would build something other than walls.

I’m looking forward to the day my heart decides to chase some other unsuspecting victim down a rabbit hole.

Bring It!

Friend or foe…, 

 

What comes next another beating, 

Are you in the shadows ready with your club, 

Let my guard down then I will feel its swift strike. 

 

A friend wouldn’t hide, 

But I would. 

 

Your mistaken if you think I turn my back, 

I am always ready for the axe to fall or the other shoe to drop. 

If you come you better be ready and have both barrels, 

I will eat your muzzle flash, 

You can’t kill the dead. 

 

Tomorrow is just another day,  

Another resurrection, 

Lost in the mirror living out my daily deception. 

 

There aren’t coals hot enough to cook blackened flesh; 

Your threat better have teeth that can break the skin. 

 

I don’t bluff, 

I don’t deceive; 

I will cut you down and step across your corpse without a second glance, 

True mercilessness to greet your stale bluff. 

 

I feed off your garbage, 

I use its pieces to build towers of iron. 

 

My own Maginot line, 

A place to grow my icicles undisturbed. 

 

If you’ve come to lick my bones 

You’ll find all the marrow has already been drained 

Replaced with cold iron for you to crash and break upon. 

 

There is no down you can beat me too

That is not already a trusted friend. 

 

I don’t bend, I can’t break,

I will get back up,

Again and again and again,

You best be gone when I do…

5

 She has to turn towards you and never pull away or hold back

1up

The firecracker 

That keeps exploding in your hand, 

When do you learn your lesson, 

How many fingers do you need to loose… 

But the chance, 

I’ll hunt until my legs drop off, 

I’ll chase my tail, 

Chew my own foot, 

But I 

Will 

Not 

Rest. 

 

If she is out there, 

I will find her or fall 

Marching in that direction. 

 

The feeling of betrayal settles into the bones, 

The Judas kiss. 

No good choices; 

The life of Misery or the Life of Longing. 

One holds the promise of hope, 

A false one but its something. 

 

Blindly walking into the darkness 

The good bits have long been whittled away. 

 

What is tomorrow 

But yesterday repeated 

Again and again. 

 

I’m the ox under the yoke, 

Work harder, 

Work harder 

Until your rewarded with the glue factory. 

 

The house fire left to burn, 

No fire engines 

Just the occasional spectator 

Come roast marshmallows 

Over the corpses. 

 

She didn’t fear surgical bites 

From the monsters locked in the attic, 

Stilled them with a touch, 

Made them eat from her hand. 

 

They never left, 

Only hid in the deep dark, 

The friends you never wanted, 

Always ready to bite the hand that feeds. 

 

My place in line never got cold, 

My shadow was holding it for me, 

Back to the beginning, 

Life goes forever forward but it also moves in seasons, 

Like no fall is the just the same as the one that proceeded it, 

It is still fall. 

If only my seasons could be counted on the calendar 

I would know when winter would end and spring could begin. 

 

The watched pot never boils 

But we never learned how to control the flame; 

To much heat burns from within. 

 

Why do you bleed from me so slowly, 

I knew this was my destiny, 

I don’t win the lottery when I play 

Only with someone else’s ticket. 

 

Her living dead girl stories broke my insides, 

You can’t fight the unseen 

So you learn to live with defeat. 

 

I put all my eggs in one basket 

They broke so I asked to borrow yours. 

 

You didn’t like my bloody nose, 

You let my madness lead me to the door, 

Without a goodbye, 

Leave the scoundrel to himself, 

Let the scruffy nerf herder wannabe find himself somewhere else.

 

If the camera were reversed 

I probably would have made all the same moves, 

Checkmate never comes from the queen 

Its always ‘en passant’; 

Two unique reflections looking into each other, 

Oftern only crack the mirror, 

Spider webbing until nothings left to see. 

 

You loose the reflection of infinity, 

You loose the whispers of the pleasant tomorrows, 

You loose the thoughts warmed unbroken days stretching into the horizon. 

Back to the cold longing 

The slow hunt that only ends in complete surrender. 

 

Sorry Mario your Princess is in another Castle! 

In the Out Door

Crawl from one window to the next

Find no shelter only another windowpane to pear through

Looking out to the accepting world

Where your jagged edges never sit comfortably.

 

Like doc browns DeLorean

When I was with her all this garbage turned into magic.

 

I like to let myself believe

That even lightning can strike twice,

That ends open possibilities of new beginnings,

A new chapter can always be written;

But i return to old habits,

Everything old is new once more.

 

Remember the rule;

Identify that there is a problem,

Find a solution to the problem,

Implement the solution,

If unsuccessful return to step two.

 

Works on everything by myself,

I get caught in the feedback loop

Its high-pitched squeal resting in the back of my ear.

 

A life of distrust leaves the mind scrambled,

The phone with the broken screen

It gives you the half glimpse of what you seek

Hidden beneath its broken data stream.

 

What's left when you sunder the wheel,

Left sitting with its shattered pieces;

Stuck no longer to turn,

Eat the cold wind and rain,

Hide your head from the sun;

There is no what comes after,

When there was no before.

 

Instead turn your eyes toward fate,

Spin the wheel

Let it rest where it may;

A gambler with a deep seeded addiction,

Let it spin again and again

Until your pockets are empty,

And it has taken the shirt off your back.

 

Spin once more

At the price of your soul,

Look to avoid the inevitable,

Make the trade

Leave again with nothing.

 

They come for the full show

They never stay when presented with the half-man,

Whose numb tongue has left him mute,

His eyes only see glimpses of the tomorrow that will never come.

 

You have only traded one prison for another,

Snap on the golden fetters from Plato’s cave;

There are no doors left,

Except for the ones we fashion for ourselves.

Pieces

I never live up to expectations,

the truth is always harsher than the fiction.

What I want to say ends up hanging in the back of my head

stalling all the other words as they seek an exit.

 

I wish I could tell what people want of me.

I am always lacking as I grasp for words that aren’t there

with each step taking me in the wrong direction.

 

What small piece illudes me,

what can’t I see what everyone around me seems to see so clearly.

 

Shouldn’t I be cheering for myself when friends and family cheer for me,

I don’t want a single use,

disposable,

let’s see what comes.

 

I reject that,

I only search for a corner stone

no ordinary rock can fill its void.

 

Shouldn’t I be content with what I’ve had,

it was a larger portion than most,

but I only want more.

 

I’ve been left craving

it’s the same craving I had before I ever sat down

just stronger this time around.

 

Before it was the undiscovered country

now it has become the lost land

Its left me famished for its lush fruit once more.

 

What makes you the villain,

is knowing your crocked hand can’t direct you toward your goal;

so instead of seeking voyage on another vessel

you force the helm and crack the wheel.

 

I fed off you like the undead,

used your kindness like a bridge

just to throw my garbage at your feet

once crossed

I burnt them down

leaving you on the other side.

 

Only the fool believes there is an end to this steady stream,

the valve only opens one way,

let the torrent continue,

take it all inside,

use the broken pieces to build a new puzzle,

learn to sew a new tapestry,

take the time to teach yourself

that you become what you destroy;

the mirror can’t reflect the past,

each day you are trapped with yourself,

pantomiming the actions of yesterday

again and again

waiting for the new result.

 

I would rather place the blade in your hand

turn my back to you

then wait to feel its bite,

its quicker that way;

whatever doesn’t kill you

can only make you stronger.

 

I have no fear of my weakness;

I dump it here in this pit

To take away its strength over me,

the words beat out like the dust on an old dirty blanket

it covers the room in its thick fog

choking those who chose to linger.

Cold Porridge

Like some perverted flasher in a big City Park,

I exposed too much too fast;

no one really wants the truth

only seeking their perception of what they belive it is.

 

Creating its endless cycle,

building up sandcastles

then smashing them

 only to start again,

lead once more by broken perception

into the blistering darkness.

 

With no lantern to guide your way

you fumble in the dark

having finally proved life’s thesis,

it has no second chances,

there is no script; instead,

we are all forced to figure it out on our own.

 

Nothing more than a nesting doll

where each face hides the pain for the next,

pull each off until you reach the bone.

 

No subtle deception left to hide within,

just another rainy night

waiting for the promise of a new day.

 

Would it have been better if I had meted out my mind in smaller bites;

but would that even be true

when I am all or nothing…

 

maybe its wrong but I would rather know up front,

I need someone

that will not back down

from the garbage that’s piled upon my soul,

because I would not back down from yours.

 

All I know

is I can only settle

for the kind drives up the pace of your heart

on the prospect of the next meeting,

a love that never needs a crutch but

always runs sided by side,

one without sharp edges

just that gentle embrace

which blends two souls into one.

 

Last Sunday I met the ghost of Christmas past,

but she never saw me as anything more than second best.

I hated that feeling

either intentional or self-inflected

it was where I laid the first bricks of my cracked perception,

that any moon could be blue and

every chance was just over the horizon,

but perhaps its just the fool who starves himself

waiting for a feast that will never come

when he could learn to deceive himself and

turn to porridge instead.

 

I could just as easily sprout wings and fly;

I only know how to move in one direction,

and I only have two speeds.

Metropolis/Looking Glass

Smash the game, 

Change the rules, 

Start over to a new tune, 

Follow no drummer. 

You can’t have Superman 

Without Lois Lane; 

He spun the world backwards for her. 

When it’s meant to be 

You fit like a lock and a key, 

Stumbles are meaningless, 

You’re pulled together 

Like a magnet, 

Locked together 

In perpetual attraction. 

Mundane dreams 

Expose the flawed mating dance 

With no promises of anything more than 

Hard work and determination 

To paint the dreams with color. 

I seek an even playing field 

Where no one stands above and you kneel at each other’s feet. 

Our view controls our perception, 

Our perception drives our actions; 

When your view is flawed 

You will only choose 

The wrong door 

No amount of time 

Or pondering can change that. 

Instead, 

You must find the root, 

Cut it free, 

Free yourself from its burden; 

Even if you find it wraps around the heart 

It can’t be left to fester, 

Poison only feeds itself. 

In the end we are all our own physician and must heal ourselves. 

4

If it’s not true why bother; what’s the point of moving together in two separate directions, lost energy can never be recaptured.

3

If you are not accepted for who you are then you are not really wanted.

Hades

I try so hard to shove it down

Its smile cracks trough at the edges

That wicked maniacal corner

That wants it all to come down,

The plotter,

The schemer

It lurks down in the deep dark

Always waiting for its next opportunity to take the helm.

 

Answers first taking all the credit

None of the shame,

Evaporate as soon as you appear.

 

You need a shorter chain,

Cerberus barks fill my ears

I only want to sleep

Let the pillow cresses my head

Merrily, merrily ride my boat,

But life is not a dream

Direction is forged not given,

Ease is only for the cradle or the grave

The in-between is filled with vacant soil

Waiting for planting.

Be careful what you plant

For every seed will grow;

All the chickens will come home to roost.

 

In the end you must learn to live with yourself,

Accept who you are,

Learn again from failure,

Look yourself squarely in the eye once more.