Final Thoughts

I wasn’t trying to make you love me I have been falling in love with you…, perhaps you’ll read this or perhaps not at all. 

I spent years with love dying in my arms and years afterwards living with that loss that I refuse to let it silently strangle me.

It wasn’t easy before it’s even harder now from, the fat kid always ignored, the inmate constantly fighting, to fifteen years of bliss the likes of which you only read about and only truly know its absence when its has left. I wish my mind didn’t work the way it does the all or nothing event, a hundred precent or nothing at all 

Perhaps its wrong for me to feel this way but I already had to watch my world collapse in my hands, I don’t want hold nothing I only seek the clay that molds into a life; and for that it requires two pairs of hands only then can you touch the sky. 

The darkness at my core is so vast and deep it coils like a snake through the center trying to smother everything it touches 

When I’m around you it shakes me to the core, perhaps I am only projecting but I know it’s a light I wish I could chase into eternity, 

I am a Scrooges, miser I only want what is built from the same metal that was lost. The fanciful kind that only grows stronger with each passing day. Where each I love you creates a forge that cannot be broken. I want what can sustain you when nothing is left, I need that total and completeness that stifles every pore and simultaneously opens up the heavens.

It’s crass to search for it once more I should be happy, I had any at all, I can only imagine it’s like the loss of sight to what lengths would you go to regain what was lost? 

So instead, I try to pull myself open so all that pour out only what is left but I think its is like Jill once said when discussing past loves and my lack of it, that I could come on to intense and women didn’t like that. What’s that even mean; and if I am what should I be otherwise if you want to love someone shouldn’t you pour all of yourself out for that other person? 

What kind of love is built on the insincere? 

I would rather starve on honest crumbs than grow fat on deception…

Its agonizing when I am next to you my heart hammers like a drum and mouth fills with cotton all the while my head empty and leads me in only the wrong direction. 

I’ve learned that all love can die even the ones that strike straight to the center, I would rather have what I feel for you die quiet in the dark than be unrequited then to be chocked slowly by your side at movies and plays for me to beat myself up for hours as I ride home. In the dark and given time and neglect what I feel for you will also die.

Here you can pretend you’ve never seen my words and I can feel as if you have, and neither has to be true. 

Beyond all I wish you would read this and be so moved that that you also want to see what is further down this road but I live in the real world and know where this all ends…